What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 03.07.2025 09:38
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
As i do to all so called friends.?
How far does good behavior take you in a prison?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I don,t even have a pension.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I think the readers, may guess!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
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The only rule us 5 kids had .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
When she asked me how she looked .
What are you struggling with in your life? What would you like to have instead?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My life is so biszare .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
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It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Would this be the day?
Put me off passion for life!!
Have you ever regretted not hitting on a older women?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I said to her
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
What did i know ?
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But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
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Especially a lifetime of it.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
We all went to grammer schools
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
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But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
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Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I never cut or harmed myself..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Comes on , in middle age.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And i lived it daily.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She was in good health!
This is soul school!.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She married twice! .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He knew the spot.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I was 9 years of age.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
It was going to be , some day.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I write beautiful poetry .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She found it foreign!.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I was very sick at this time too.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My family never makes their pension either.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
So, i spoilt her more .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Im still living with it.
I will be 64.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
So whats the point in blame.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
One cannot live in the past .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I waited trembling.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
All the time i was locked up.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But, we were locked up after school.
Why did i forgive my father ?
(And it was in our own minds.)
I was seconnd youngest,
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
We were not on the streets..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He resisted the act ,that day.
Who then, do I blame.?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She loved him until the end.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Ive learnt so much.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She wouldn,t have been !
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I was scared of men, in general
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I have no regrets .
But it wasn’t much.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Was to survive, this bastard.